Trashies Award Show 2012

The Trashies VT starts up, showing some moments from last year as this theme plays (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=18NdMmRGsx0). We then see the arena where RJ and Michael Wire are stood either side of a lectern.

RJ: Welcome one and all to the 3rd...or possible 4th Trashie award ceremony.

Michael Wire is stood next to RJ, trying to count it on his fingers before he quickly looks up.

MW: Erm...oh yes, we’ve had a big year in 6WF, some big names have left and we’ve some alright new people join. We had the horror of seeing Blue Dragon becoming world champion, but on the positive side I seem to have finally secured a long-term contract with 6WF.

The crowd start booing as Michael Wire is shocked.

RJ: The Trashie award ceremony is always filled with a lot of laughs, a lot of madness and a lot of admiration and respect for the work the 6WF roster put in.

Suddenly ‘Movies’ by Alien Ant Farm blasts out and the crowd give a big cheer, Prime Time Johnson and Hollywood Johnson step out, big cameras on their shoulders, on golf carts. They come speeding down the ramp before not being able to break, crashing into the ring and being flung into it.

RJ: What the hell is going on?!

The two former camera men, and tag team champions, stand up and dust themselves off. Prime Time’s camera is wrecked but he doesn’t notice and continues to point it at RJ and Michael Wire.

HJ: We could ask the same thing to you to? This is our show!

MW: You’re not even employed by 6WF anymore!

PT: Wait...this is a job?

HJ: You’re telling us that 6WF pay people....that we could have been getting paid?

RJ: You’ve got to be kidding me...

PT: I thought this was just a hobby...I’ve been doing filming for Ron Jeremy on the side.

HJ: I’ve been working in Carphone Warehouse part-time.

RJ: I hate to tell you this, but security on their way, you may think this is your show, but 6WF management clearly disagrees.

PT: Gerry! Let’s scram.

Gerry “Hollywood” Johnson gets into RJ’s face.

HJ: You haven’t heard the last of us!

Hollywood and Prime Time quickly get out of the ring as security come pouring down the ramp, they get onto one golf cart, Hollywood driving and Prime Time on the back “filming” the chase with his broken camera.

PT: Hey, where’s Bezerker, he’d love this...it’s going to be tele!

The Producers are driving around the ring as the security chase them, they’re driving up the ramp when the weight from Prime Time and the camera manage to topple the cart over and they crash out of it.

HJ: Quickly go, go, go!

Hollywood lifts Prime Time on his shoulders and carries him up the ramp as the security go running after them.

RJ: We’re going to take a short break now, to try and get things in order for the first award of the show!

The show comes back from an ad break with the golf carts and camera nowhere to be seen, Michael Wire and RJ are stood by the lectern.

MW: So without further ado, let’s welcome the first person to give out an award...cultured, intelligent, full-time Tweeter and sometimes footballer....Joey Barton!

The crowd boo very loudly as Joey Barton steps out in full Marseille kit, his hair is slicked back with oil literally dripping off him and he’s got a poor attempt for a Movember moustache. He swaggers down the ramp and the fans continue to jeer him, he headbutts a small child on the ramp and then gets onto the apron before mooning the crowd, he gets into the ring as RJ and Michael Wire step out of the ring. Barton steps up to the lectern, award in hand.

JB: I am here...or am I? As the great philosopher of our time; Socrates, said; how do I know I am a man dreaming I am a butterfly, or a butterfly dreaming I am a man. hashtag deepthoughts.

Joey Barton looks around the arena nodding.

JB: As I was saying, I am here to present the award for best commissioner. I asked for this award so I can show you all how I’ve turned my life around, hashtag second chances. I used to, in my less cultured days, before I chose, CHOSE to move to the country of culture, Francais, have a problem with authority. But I’ve turned my life around. Have you read my twitter? It takes a lot for me to search and copy and paste those quotes you know...

JB: I am the most intelligent, best-looking, best dressed, most charismatic footballer in the world. If it wasn’t for my controversial views and my never say die attitude I’d be England captain you know?

[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.] plays and the crowd groan as Alan Shearer dressed in a shirt and pants steps out onto the stage. He walks slowly down the ramp and gets into the ring, Joey Barton is just laughing.

AS: You are a disgrace to modern footballer, I have got to say that any good you do on the pitch is negated by what you do off of the pitch. Things that are said in the dressing room, should stay in the dressing room. In my day, there was no twitter, and it was better for it. You are not welcome in English football-

JB: Bla, bla, bla, bla. Old man, you’re so f-beep-ing boring!

AS: You think so?

Alan Shearer Match of the Day presenter grabs hold of his shirt and [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.] starts playing, he rips it off revealing a classic Newcastle United shirt underneath, his trousers come off and he’s now wearing football boots. His hair starts to grow back (but only a little bit). The crowd go crazy for him as Joey Barton falls to the floor, shielding his eyes.

AS: That’s right. I, Alan Shearer, number 9 supreme, Newcastle and England legend, scorer of some of the best goals in football history am also Alan Shearer Match of the Day presenter!

Alan does his trademark celebration around the ring as Joey Barton can only bear to cry in disbelief. He starts kissing the boots of Alan Shearer who stands in the ring, proud, the number 9 on the back of his shirt.

AS: The winner of best commissioner...is Danny McGraw!

‘Run this Town’ blasts out of the speakers and Danny walks down the ramp, a smug grin on his face, he takes the award and raises it in the air.

DM: As expected.

Danny rolls out of the ring as the crowd can’t believe the arrogance of him.

The show cuts to a different broadcast, recorded on a poor camera phone. You can just about make out the faces of Prime Time and Hollywood Johnson who in a very dark place, they start to whisper.

HJ: We're hiding somewhere in the 6WF arena.

PT: We will regain control of this show, whether we have to die trying.

HJ: Wait...no, I'm not that bothered.

PT: Alright, we will regain control of this show as long as we avoid death.

HJ: To be honest, I don't really want to get hurt at all.

PT: Right...we will regain control of this show, and won't stop unless we're put in any danger.

HJ: Oh, I've got a yoga class at 8 as well.

PT: Hmm...we will regain control of this show, and won't stop unless we're put in any danger or it reaches 8 o'clock and Gerry needs to go to his yoga class.

HJ: Yeah, take that RJ and Dave Law.

PT: Dave Law? What are you talking about?

HJ: You know, Dave Law, commentator with RJ, loves all the bad guys, hates all the good guys.

PT: You mean Michael Wire?

HJ: No, he's the mental guy who Dr. Necro used to mess around with.

PT: Yeah, same person.

HJ: What happened to Dave Law then?

Another face comes into shot, he has a long beard with bits of grey in it.

DL: I'm here...I've been waiting for Michael Wire to pass this spot for years now, I need to get my job back.

A voice in the distance: I can here some whispering over here!

PT: Oh no!

They all quickly move and the camera switches off.

RJ: Ladies and Gentleman welcome back to The Trashies 2012….

There is a muted round of applause as Michael Wire joins him on stage….

RJ: Our next award, is the ‘Token 6CW Award’….

MW: WOOOO! 6WF BABY! WHERE’S YOUR 6CW NOW BITCHES!!! HAHAHA! SUCK IT WALKER!!

RJ stops and stares at Wire who turns red with embarrassment….

MW: Sorry….

RJ: Anyway……to present this award, please welcome to the stage, one of the lynchpins of breakfast television, a true legend of the entertainment business and the only man to ever play Joseph without being smashed on coke…….Mr Phillip Schofield!

The crowd cheers as ‘Alive and Kicking’ by Simple Minds plays. Schofield walks on to stage carrying a rather thick envelope. He looks down at the soundman and stares him down…

PS: Are you being funny? Do you see Emma fucking Forbes? Do you? Did you think somehow you were being ironic? Play my entrance music or I’ll add you to my list….

RJ and Wire can be seen mouthing the word ‘Wow’ as ‘Close Every Door’ plays out and Schofield continues to walk down to the ring. He waves at an old couple before entering the ring and shaking hands with the commentators who exit the ring…

PS: Ladies and Gentleman, thank you very much for inviting me here to present the ‘Token 6CW’ award…

Schofield looks nervy as he looks around the audience. Removing a cue card from This Morning out of his back pocket and placing it in front of the envelope…

PS: The nominees for ‘Token 6CW’ award are as follows…

RJ: Nominees?

Schofield winks into the camera before clearing his throat….

PS: Lord McAlpine….

RJ: Huh?

MW: Who?

PS: Freddie Starr….

RJ: Oh shit…..

PS: Dave Lee Travis…..

MW: ‘Arj, I can’t find any of these names on the roster? Who’s he talking about….

RJ: He’s not naming members of the roster. He’s naming paedophiles. We’ve gotta stop him…

RJ runs into the ring as Schofield goes to announce another name. He tackles him to the ground as Wire continues to search the roster for the names. RJ and Schofield wrestle on the floor and RJ snaps the list out of his hand…

RJ: Got it!

RJ goes to get up as ‘Here Comes The Money’ blares from the speakers and the crowd erupt into boo’s as George Entwhistle walks out onto the stage..

RJ: Oh shit….

Entwhistle strolls down the ring, wearing a top hat and cape with a huge ‘G’ shaped, gold medallion hanging from his neck. He slides into the ring, snatching the list from RJ’s hand and smirking as RJ scurries from the ring. He looks down at Schofield with contempt before breaking into a huge smile. He holds out a hand a pulls Schofield to his feet as the two men embrace…

RJ: I can’t believe what I’m seeing…. They are gonna ruin us, Mike?

MW: Listen, ‘Arj. None of these people he’s mentioned are part of the roster, he must be booked for the wrong show?

RJ: Jesus wept…

Entwhistle grabs a mic and eggs on the crowd who are ferociously booing him….

GE: You see this? This hat? This cap? My diamond encrusted ‘G’? You bitches paid for this! All £425,000 of your money has gone. I spunked the lot of it. Do you know why? Cause I do what I want, when I want! I was the Director General of the BB fucking C. This whole thing tonight. I arranged it. This production team, is my Newsnight team…

The crowd gasp in horror at the revelation…

RJ: BAH GAWD! IT WAS A SET UP ALL ALONG KING!!!

MW: Who’s King?

GE: I…..along with the brilliant……..and beautiful, Phillip Schofield, are going to rid the world of all those celebrities we despise. All those politicians who wrong us by outing them as paedophiles…

RJ: Good god almighty!

GE: We will stop at nothing. We will leave no stone unturned. Until I, the great George Entwhistle am crowned Director General of The World!!

Entwhistle and Schofield pull each other close together before sharing a passionate embrace. They stop and raise their arms in victory before Schofield picks up the envelope, unravelling a long list, filled with names….

PS: Now where were we……

RJ: WAIT A MINUTE!

MW: Who is that?!

RJ: DIMBLEBY! GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY! DIMBLEBY IS HERE! HE’S WALKING! HE’S TALKING! BAH GAWD! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT!

‘God Save The Queen’ blares out and the crowd erupt as Jonathon Dimbleby walks out on to the stage….

JD: You thought you could get away with it, didn’t you, George?! Well I’m here to put a stop to it…

Entwhistle smirks down the ramp….

GE: Phillip my dear, read the next name….

Schofield looks lovingly into the eyes of Entwhistle….

PS: Jonathon…………….Dimbleby….

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

JD: YOU CRETINOUS BASTARD! I’LL KILL YOU!!!!!

*Crowd Pop*

Dimbleby rips his shirt off and sprints down the ramp. He slides under the ring ropes….

RJ: SPEAR!

Dimbleby levels Schofield with a sickening spear. He gets to his feet, repeatedly stamping on Schofields groin to the horror of Entwhistle. Dimbleby turns as Entwhistle tries to escape. He grabs the former Director General’s cape and pulls him back into the ring as the crowd cheer….

RJ: Dimbleby is pissed… oh god…

MW: Low blow………what the?

Entwhistle kicks Dimbleby between the legs and smiles, but his face turns to horror as Dimbleby doesn’t move. Instead, smiling and laughing….

JD: Oh dear, George, you should know, working for the BBC……I have no bollocks……

RJ: STUNNER!!!

Dimbleby gives Entwhistle the finger and levels him with a stunner before kicking him out of the ring. He turns round and picks up the correct envelope before standing at the podium…

JD: Now…….the winner of this years Token 6CW award is………..Keith Leone!

The crowd cheer as ‘Lime Wreck’ plays out and Leone walks down the stage, ignoring the cheers from the fans. He gets in the ring, shaking hands with Dimbleby, acknowledging the two wounded bodies in the ring…

KL: Cheers.

Leone turns and walks off leaving the crowd confused as Dimbleby picks up the cape. Placing it on his shoulders as an evil look spreads across his face and we head to commercial.

The show's broadcast cuts off again as it's interrupted by something different, for a while there is only static, then sound comes through.

??: Have you got it Gerry? Are we live?

HJ: Will you shut up! You'll know when we're live, when I tell you we're live.

PT: Right okay.

The picture slowly comes into focus and Prime Time is stood in a tiny room, he is holding a broom upside down as a lectern. Hollywood quickly joins him as they look down the camera.

PT: Welcome to the real Trashies.

HJ: Do not be alarmed at our low production values, and cheap camera, these are the official Trashies as you can tell because we are the official Trashie hosts.

PT: The first award we want to be awarded is for best 6WF Award Show hosts, to hand out this award is esteemed broadcaster, journalist and 6WF legend....Dave Law!

Prime Time and Hollywood stand up clapping and they attempt to move, they do slowly and keep knocking things over, as they try and get out of shot, they manage to get most of their bodies out of shot as Dave Law steps from the other side of room in front of the camera, he lifts up the broom. Law is wearing a bedraggled shirt and has tied what appears to be one of his socks as a bowtie/tie around his collar.

DL: I just want to say what an honour it is to be asked to hand out this award...it's an acknowledgement of all the hard work, all the effort I have put in over these past two years to get my job back behind that desk instead of that bastard Michael Wire. To the naysayers, who say I only got the job because of my friendship with River Ace, I say...alright, fair enough...but I also want to point out that I deserved to stay! I want to thank Prime Time and Hollywood for giving me the opportunity to hand out this award, and I want to thank my parents, for dying and leaving me enough money to survive without a job and to RJ for his Christmas cards. Erm...I'm just so emotional..I don't know what else to say...

Dave Law starts wiping away the tears with his long beard, which he has tied up before he starts to seriously sob.

HJ (out of shot): Will you get on with it!

DL: Yeah...okay...*snivel*...the winners are Gerry Johnson and Steve Johnson, better known as The Producers!

Dave Law starts clapping loudly as Prime Time and Hollywood are about to accept the award (a mop head) the door is kicked in and security start trying to grab everybody and Dave Law is in hysterics.

Meanwhile, in 1974...

(Diablo is sat in a chair surrounded by children, on his t-shirt is the slogan "Diablo'll mend it")

Diablo: Today's letter is from Christine, she's 19 years old, and she writes. "Dear Diablo, I've always wanted to be a topless model. Please could you mend it for you to accompany me to a photoshoot in the Seychelles?" Well Christine, it would be my honour and priviledge...

(Later, Diablo is in an office with a BBC executive)

BBCE: Listen, Diablo, we're going to have to cut short the series.

Diablo: Why? I thought we were really helping out those with their dreams!

BBCE: Diablo, this show is meant to be aimed at children. Yet it's only certain letters that get read out.

Diablo: All of my "Diablo'll mend it" letters are from those who have dreams!

BBCE: "Dear Diablo, please could you mend it for me and all of my student nurse friends to accompany you on an all expenses paid trip to Las Vegas?"

Diablo: You should have seen their little faces light up when I met them at the Airport...

BBCE: "Dear Diablo, my mate Gary is getting married next month, please could you mend it for eight of us to go to Amsterdam for a week, visiting all the titty bars and the red light district? You're invited too."

Diablo: I fail to see the point you're making to be honest... This concept is gold. People send in their letters, and Uncle Diablo makes their dreams come true.

BBCE: Diablo, we're gonna have to level with you. We agree 100% that this is a great concept. Our issue is with you. We feel that as the BBC, we have a duty of care to our viewers, that's why we're axing you from the show.

Diablo: What?!

BBCE: I'm sorry Diablo, but we're going to continue the show without you. Someone else will take your role as host. See, the BBC needs to have somebody they can trust Diablo. Somebody with integrity, somebody who has the interests of the children at heart. Understand?

Back to present day...

(Diablo is daydreaming and Hobo is alongside him reading a copy of "The Sun". The headline is "Nonce Saville in paedo shame".)

Diablo: They backed the wrong bloody horse there... Big time...

Hobo: What are you on about?

Diablo: Hmm? Oh, nothing.

Hobo: Haven't you got a "Most Missed Superstar" award to announce?

Diablo: Oh, yeah... Back in a sec.

(A few moments later, Diablo walks up to the podium on the stage)

Diablo: The next award is for the "Most Missed Superstar". An award often held by me, until the winner claims it.

(Silence from the crowd)

Diablo: And the winner is... Rapture!

(The crowd cheer as Rapture's music plays, Rapture walks out to a, rapturous reception. He picks up the award, waves at the fans, but Diablo shows him off stage and follows him straight off stage, to the bemusement of the crowd. Diablo is then shown back with Hobo)

Hobo: That was quick!

Diablo: Yeah, it was.

Hobo: Did any of that segment make any sense?

Diablo: Did you just break the fourth wall?

Hobo: I guess I did.

Diablo: Hmm.

(There is an awkward silence before the camera fades to black)

The show comes back, at first it's Michael Wire and RJ before it cuts off to Prime Time and Hollywood running through the corridors of the 6WF arena, Prime Time is holding a handheld camera and pointing it at them both as they run. They get behind a corner and stop and begin to speak into the camera.

PT: We've been on the run for 15 minutes, our supply of fun-size Mars bars and Fruit Shoots are running low. We've already lost Dave Law, we said we'd leave no man behind but Dave just couldn't keep up, his beard kept getting the way.

HJ: We're not sure what they're going to do with them, Steve thinks probing, but I reckon dissection.

PT: We knew the dangers when we started this mission, the mission to regain control of the Trashies, but neither of us could have prepared for the horrors we have seen.

HJ: The security men were pushing people out of the way, Steve nearly slipped on a wet floor...there was no wet floor sign...WHERE IS THE HUMANITY?!

PT: Keep it down, Gerry, I know the memories are painful but we've put too much into this, given too much of ourselves, lost too many good men to give up now. We've got to keep moving, make our way to the ring, because I promise you all 6WF viewers, I promise you that the Trashies will be tele. Producers out.

Prime Time salutes the camera as Hollywood is baffled and the broadcast shuts off, returning to RJ and Michael Wire who are just shaking their heads.

RJ: Welcome back to The Trashies 2012, a show that has been… interesting, isn’t that right Michael... Michael?!

The camera pans right, to show Michael Wire playing with his iphone.

RJ: Mike, what are you doing?!

MW: I’m trying to get my vote in for Next Big Thing…

RJ: But that’s now?

MW: Oh, erm… I meant… You know… Oh damn.

RJ: Not Rosemary Shrager again?!

Wire looks sheepish.

MW: There’s just something about her!

RJ: If things couldn’t get weird enough… Anyway, folks, the show go on! And next up we have The Next Big Thing! An award won by some big names in the past who have gone on to achieve big things…

MW: Damn right, Xeres’ new nature documentary, Lion Man, is set for The National Geographic Channel next month and Rapture has reportedly begun developing a formula to actually prevent a rapture…

RJ looks at a list of past winners of the award and face palms…

RJ: Scratch the last thing I said, but anyway, on to the award and presenting this is a man considered to be an icon, a man who in times of utter chaos can captivate, astound and make people tune in, just to watch him…

MW:… Can he replace you, RJ?

RJ flashes a dirty look at Wire who smirks.

RJ: As I was saying, this is a man who is no stranger to pressure – so he should fit in tonight just fine! Ladies and Gentlemen, please put your hands together for Mr. Jim White!!

The lights go down and the Sky Sports News music plays. The lights go back up and to the surprise of everyone, Jim White is sat grinning wildly sat behind a desk.

MW: Where did that come from?!

RJ: I honestly have no idea…

Jim White: Welcome back to the 6WF Trashies Deadline Day special! And I can tell you we have…

Jim pulls a large clock out from under his desk and places it next to him, studying it intently.

Jim White:…Exactly THREE minutes until the window closes! What a day it has been! It’s had it all, drama, comings, goings, drama, comings, goings and we’ve bought ALL the action to you in this… what… 30 seconds of this dramatic deadline day! We have a special report with Harry Redknapp coming imminently, but first let’s just remind ourselves of the big deals today!!

Jim enthusiastically swivels on his chair to face the titantron as a totaliser graphic appears, RJ and MW look to each other bemused as it shows all zero’s. Jim turns back to the camera and looks absolute amazed, grinning maniacally…

Jim White: Absolutely astonishing, what a deadline day!! And just moments ago, I received a text message on this here phone…

He gets his iphone out of his pocket.

Jim White: …To say that my dinner is in the microwave and that the wife is playing bingo tonight!! You literally couldn’t make this up! What a moment, what a deal… What. A. Day!! It’s day like this that really make me love my job!!

RJ: He does know nothing’s happening doesn’t he?!

MW: In a way this is weirdly captivating!

A gong sounds and Jim literally jumps out of his seat looking to his clock, his eyes lit up like a kid at Christmas.

Jim White: THAT’S IT! WE’RE DONE!! THE DEADLINE HAS PASSED!! One of the greatest deadline days in 6WF history, so much drama, so many last minute movers and goers!! And shortly, we’ll find out the biggest move of the day, the WINNER of The Next Big Thing Award!!! But first, an exclusive LIVE chat with Harry Redknapp… I literally cannot contain my excitement!!

The face of Harry Redknapp appears on the titantron, sort of opaque behind the darkened window of his car.

Jim White: Hello Harry?! It’s Jim White here on 6WF Deadline day…

The window of Harry’s car door slowly goes down and he looks into the camera as it slowly begins to zoom out, showing him stood in the middle of a corridor, holding the car door.

Redknapp: Wotcha Jim, laving your work today mate!

Jim White: Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to talk to us, on this dramatic, hectic, best ever deadline day ever!

Redknapp: Not a pwoblem mate, love your work. Triffic. You’re an honest lad who just enjoys what he does… If I could sign you ap, I would but it’s not my place to say.

Jim White: You’re too kind, Harry! Too kind! But tell me, we’ve literally just seen the busiest deadline day 6WF has EVER seen. And we’re literally moments away from the reveal of the Next Big Thing, but tell me, Harry, on this busy, busy, dramatic, busy day, just what have you been doing?

Rasta can be seen in the background having a kick about with a stage hand, having used two bins as goals, Rasta is taking shots at him.

Redknapp: Ah well you know, these days are always hectic, I’ve been in and out of the carpark, on the phone to the chairman identifying me targets for the rest of the season, been watching DVD’s of talent with Big Joe and Kev, we’re just looking for the right kind of person to bring in…

Jim is playing on his iphone, he looks up and immediately breaks into a massive grin.

Jim White: Just fascinating, Harry! Absolute drama your end then?!

Redknapp: As always Jim, you know me!

Jim White: There are obviously rumours abound on these dramatic, hectic, dramatic days and I’m sure you’ve heard just who the Next Big Thing is… What do you make of him?

Redknapp: Ah you know, Jim, can’t talk about him too much, with him belonging to another clab, but what I will say is that he seems like a lovely, genuine guy… He looks like he works hard, always at training first thing, last to leave, he’d fit right into my defence and I’d just lav to sign him up stwaight away… But that’s for the chairman to sort out, I can’t say a lot because he isn’t my player…

Just then, Rasta horribly scuffs a shot which swerves and cannons into the back of Redknapp, making him drop the car door… Harry’s eyes burn with fury as he turns to face Rasta…

Redknapp: Why the fack are you kicking that over ‘ere?!?!

Rasta: Sorry mon, I was tryna get a bit of curl on de ball but I missed…

Redknapp: You’re trying to hit the goal and you hit me?! You facking idiot!

Rasta: I’m sorry mon…

Redknapp: You’ve made a right facking mess of me car door too!! No wonder you’re in the facking reserves! Sowwy Jim, I’ve gotta go and get me door sorted…

Redknapp picks up the now scratched door.

Jim: Thanks, Harry. Always a pleasure talking to a wheeler dealer like yourself…

Redknapp: What did you just facking call me?! You jo…

The link to Redknapp goes dead and White looks into the camera delighted.

White: Just more drama on this dramatic, manic, hectic deadline day! And.. Wait!? I’m receiving news from my sources…

White pulls an envelope from under the desk and opens it…

White: …News just in that the winner has been decided! I can dramatically and exclusively and dramatically reveal that winner of the next big thing… is… LOGAN KINCADE!!

The crowd boo as Kincade comes onto the stage, holding his award. He looks out over the arena and smiles smugly but is then barged out of the way by an incensed Redknapp who is beelining for Jim White. White looks to the camera.

Jim White: The drama!! That’s it from me!

He then gets up and slides from the ring, making his way into the croud as Redknapp gives chase…

Redknapp: Don’t call me a wheeler dealer, I’m a facking football manager!!

RJ: Just wow.

As the show comes back from commercials, it quickly cuts to Prime Time and Hollywood who are fighting each on the ground, both pathetically doing no harm to the other, then it cuts off again.

RJ: Well I have no idea what is going on there, I'm sure we'll find out soon though.

MW: Let's hope not, maybe that's the last we'll see of those cretins.

The footage returns from the commercial break with the camera focussed on the Trashie Award for “Best Show” sat atop the lectern in the middle of the ring.

FEED…. ME…. MORE!

The crowd pop as the heavy riff of Ryback’s music kicks in and the man himself steps out onto the stage, swinging his muscular arms back and fore.

RJ : RYBACK! IN A 6WF RING! OH MY GOODNESS!

Ryback marches to the ring, brimming with intensity, as the capacity crowd start chanting “FEED ME MORE… FEED ME MORE…. FEED ME MORE!”. Ryback rolls into the ring and starts nodding his head in time with the music as the chanting increases in volume. Wire passes Ryback a microphone and he continues to nod his head until the music fades.

RJ : We’re going to be treated to some dialogue from Ryback here tonight… a rare treat.

Ryback stares into the camera wild eyed.

Ryback : So you think 6WF is better than WWE? I issue an open challenge to anyone backstage right now. FEED…. ME…. MORE!

After a few more moments of chanting the stage curtain flicks back and Zheng Zhi and MC Zom B walk out onto the stage to no music. Ryback’s eyes flare up as he begins to pace the ring.

MW : I don’t think these two are going to be able to defeat Ryback.

killer : i walk on stage
i join zheng and zom-b
i accept rybacks challenge

RJ : OH MY! BUSINESS HAS JUST PICKED UP – IT’S 3 ON 1 NOW! NOW WE’RE TALKING!

Zheng and MC Zom-B run down the ramp and slide into the ring

killer : i follow them

Ryback explodes out of the blocks and levels Zom-B with a meat-hook clothesline. Zheng charges at the WWE’s wrecking ball but Ryback drives him back with a spear into the turnbuckle.

killer : i hit ryback with a dropkick but he doesn’t fall over

Ryback waits for killer to get back to his feet and knocks him out with a meat-hook too.

Ryback : FINISH! IT!

Ryback grabs killer, Zheng and Zom-B and puts all of them over his shoulder, hitting them with a Shell-Shock. He piles one on top of the other and covers them. 1…2……3!

The bell rings and Ryback’s music hits and he stares up at the entrance and begins to chant. FEED ME MORE! FEED ME MORE! FEED ME MORE! The fans join in as Ryback begins popping his shoulder and beckoning for more to come out from the backstage area. Suddenly he is cut off by “Eat It” by Weird Al Yankovic and out walks Adam Richman from Man vs Food, with a fork in hand and a napkin tucked in his shirt.

RJ : WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?

Adam Richman makes his way to the ring and stares into the eyes of Ryback, who is breathing aggressively in his face. Richman takes the mic from Ryback.

Richman : I was just backstage, sampling some of Belinda’s delicious muffins, when I heard your open challenge.

Richman takes his jacket off and throws it to the floor. Ryback is unmoved as Richman begins rolling up his sleeves. Ryback begins to smirk

Richman : I’ll challenge you Ryback. I’ll challenge you… TO AN EAT-OFF!

Fans : YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

Richman : What do you say Ryback? You vs Me? Man vs Food? All for the right to announce the winner of best 6WF Show 2012.

Fans : MAN VS FOOD! MAN VS FOOD! MAN VS FOOD!
Fans : FEED ME MORE! FEED ME MORE! FEED ME MORE!

?? : Wait, wait, wait!

Gordon Ramsey steps out onto the stage, wheeling a huge dinner cart of food. He is followed by Belinda, with a second, identical cart of food.

Ramsey : Not only will the winner get to announce the award, yes? But they will also win a place on the wall of fame, yes?

The camera switches to a cork board backstage where the only picture is of Rasta asleep, sauce down his chin, with spliff ends all over the table and about ten empty plates in front of him.

Ramsey : … and this fucking T-Shirt.

Belinda holds up a Marshall Murdoch t-shirt. This seems to be the clincher for Ryback, and he nods his acceptance. Ramsey and Belinda wheel their dinner carts down to the ring, and two stagehands start setting up a pair of tables. Belinda serves up the first two plates of food and Ramsey goes to Ryback first.

Ramsey : Right then big boy, this is a 20 pound surf and turf, yes? We’ve got rump steak, yes? We’ve got gammon steak, yes? And we’ve got two great big fucking lobsters. Come on big boy, let’s see what you’ve got, yes?

Ryback : Yes chef.

Ryback starts demolishing the surf and turf in front of him, as Adam sets to work on his. It’s clear that Adam is the better eater but Ryback doesn’t take his eyes off him as he rips through his food. Adam finishes first but Ryback is not far behind.

RJ : One Nil to Adam!

Fans : Man vs Food! Man vs Food! Man vs Food!

Ryback : FEED ME MORE! FEED ME MORE! FEED ME MORE!

Ramsey : OK big boy. Calm down yes? What have we got next big tits?

Belinda doesn’t look impressed at Ramsey as she serves up a massive omelette

Ramsey : Right. This is a 20 egg omelette, yes? That’s a lot of fucking chickens fucking arses that have been torn open yes? So don’t let them poor old fuckers down, yes?

Ryback : Yes Chef!

Ramsey : GO!

Ryback is more focussed this time as the crowd begin to chant “FEED ME MORE! FEED ME MORE! FEED ME MORE!”.

RJ : Ryback’s from the wrestling world, and he is used to eating a lot of eggs folks.

MW : Haha… sounds like egg YOLKS!

RJ : Yeah… as I was saying…. Look at Ryback demolish this omelette.

Ryback tears through the omelette and Adam can’t keep up, he finishes a full minute before the Man v Food presenter. Adam is impressed and goes to hi-5 Ryback, but the monster is having none of it. Ramsey claps his hands together and rubs them together aggressively.

Ramsey : Fuck me that was impressive. Well done Big Boy. OK now for the final challenge….

Belinda puts down a plate in front of Adam and Ryback and takes away the covers simultaneously. Sat on top of Ryback’s mountain of ice cream is a little mouse. Ramsey immediately looks furious.

Ramsey : WHAT THE FU…… WHAT’S THAT?

OH MY GOD I’VE EATEN HEEEEEERE!

Ramsey gets up in Belinda’s face and starts shouting at her

Ramsey : YOU COULD HAVE FUCKING KILLED ME! MICE… YES? MICE…. IN YOUR KITCHEN? YOU ANIMAAAAAAAAAAL! YOU DIRTY ANIMAL! YOU SHOULD BE A-FUCKING-SHAMED!

With that Ramsey runs over to the ropes and retches. Behind him, Ryback picks up the mouse by its tail and eats it.

RJ : OH NO!

Ramsey : Oh my fucking Jesus. WHAT HAVE I WALKED INTO FOR GOD’S SAAAAAAAAAKE?

Belinda : MICKEY? MY MICKEY!

Belinda falls to her knees in tears, as Ryback robotically starts devouring his ice cream. Adam has stopped and declares Ryback the winner, unable to match the mouse, and Ramsey throws up over the side of the ring, almost landing on MC Zom B. Ryback’s music begins to play and he stands up.

Ryback : DONE!

He pokes his tongue out and walks over to the lectern, tearing the top off the envelope

Ryback : THE WINNER….. IS…… 6WF DESTINY!

Ryback walks over to the table and snatches the Marshall Murdoch t-shirt that he has won, then Belinda take out her polaroid camera, and takes a photo of Ryback posing with his winnings. He slings the Marshall Murdoch t-shirt over his shoulder and leaves the ring.

killer : i roll into the ring
i almost slipped in Gordon ramseys sick
i take the award
i say I was in the gold rush battle royale so I will take the award
i say thank you

The show comes back from commercials, again cutting to The Producers who are stood outside, both of them have torn clothes and a few scratches on their face.


HJ: We have had a few setbacks on our mission...

PT: A few arguments as well...

HJ: Started by Steve, not by me...

PT: No, started by Gerry, not me...

HJ: Right, do you want to start this again?! I'll kick you out, you can go live at your mothers again! You won't even get to see the kids!

Prime Time mouth opens in shock.

PT: You wouldn't...

HJ: I would...

Suddenly both start weeping and hug each other.

PT: Why do we do this to each other?

HJ: I'm just stressed Steve, this whole Trashie thing is tearing us apart.

PT: No, Gerry, it isn't, our failure is. The Trashies will make us closer than we've ever been before.

Both start nodding at each other.

PT: We may have been finally chucked out of the building, we may have had fights, the show may be halfway through, but we will take over the Trashies!....and I think I know just the way to do it...

Prime Time picks the camera up and turns it to a crane which is on a nearby construction site, before turning the camera on him and Hollywood, both grinning.

RJ: And the next award to be presented is the Storyline of the Year award! And to present this award we have a plethora of great footballing stars! Firstly we have current Norwich captain Grant Holt, who will be followed by Shola Ameobi, Lee McCulloch and Shane Long!"

*The presenters make there way out to "Rest in pieces", all are dressed in there best suits, apart from McCulloch who seems to have forgotten the dress code and has turned up in trackies and a baseball cap.*

Holt: "We are all here to present to award of Storyline of the Year. I can personally say I am honoured to present the award, but I do wish that my fellow co-hosts would have made as much of an effort that I have."

*Holt looks in disgust at McCulloch who has a lolly in his mouth*

Ameobi: "Ok, well Grant lets get on with this award. There have been some great rivalries over the past year, and I excel in rivalries. Fuck the mackems."

*The crowd look bemused as Ameobi does a knee slide for no apparant reason.*

Long: "Whilst Shola gets excited reminiscing about his goals against Sunderland, I'm gonna announce the winner of Storyline of the Year. Drum roll please."

*The drum roll begins as Long opens the envelope."

Long: "And the award of Storyline of the Year goes to Cassius Zhi's rise and heel turn!"

*The crowd boo at the outcome as “They Say” hits and the crowd descend into huge boos as Cassius Zhi slowly walks into the view of the crowd, the 6WF Undisputed Title draped over his shoulder.*

Zhi: "Who are you little Leprechaun?"

Long: "Me? I'm Shane Long Cassius. I play for West Bromwich Albion. We are currently on course for Champions League football I will have you know."

Zhi: "West Brom? Forever in the shadow of Aston Villa. Now run along little man, I need to make an acceptance speech. Go find that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow."

*Zhi laughs to himself as Long becomes enraged. McCulloch is still chewing his lolly, whilst Holt and Ameobi watch him, presumably getting hungry looking at it.*

Long: "Don't speak to me like that. You may be the 6WF Undisputed Champion but I am currently West Brom's leading scorer. Suck on those apples Zhi."

*Long does a DX chop at Zhi. Zhi looks angrily at Long, who goes to take his place alongside his fellow presenters but Zhi intercepts him and lifts him up...SHOCKWAVE ON SHANE LONG! Long rolls around on the stage as Zhi looks at disgust at him.*

Zhi: "Stupid Irish pillock. Any other of you failures got anything to say?"

*The other contestants seem to be daydreaming.*

Zhi: "HAVE ANY OF YOU GOT ANYTHING TO SAY?"

Ameobi: "I want the lolly."

*McCulloch laughs at Ameobi's statement. Holt and Zhi look at each other like WTF are these two on.*

Zhi: "You want the lolly? Are you mentally retarded?"

McCulloch: "Oi! Don't speak to Shola like that. He is like Heskey, he will get you in the end Zhi."

*Zhi turns his attention to McCulloch, who has now devoured the lolly.*

Zhi: "Look at you Lee McCulloch. You are a shell of your former self. Here in trackies and a baseball cap. Do you think you're getting your daily dose of crack from the dealer of something?"

*McCulloch looks at Zhi in disgust. He then pings his lolly stick and hits Zhi square in the face.*

McCulloch: "LOL!"

*McCulloch and Ameobi high five each other and laugh together.*

Holt: "Fuck this I'm off to KFC."

*Holt leaves the stage, seemingly seeking some food.*

Zhi: "Do you two find that funny? I'll show you what funny is."

*Zhi storms at McCulloch and Ameobi and hits them with a double clothesline! McCulloch gets up first and Zhi hits him with a SHOCKWAVE!*

Zhi: "Go back to the Scottish third division you worthless player."

*Ameobi turns Zhi around and starts hitting him with a series of punches! The crowd begins to chant "Woahhhhh Shola Ameobi" as Ameobi lifts Zhi onto his shoulders and hits THE F5 ONTO CASSIUS ZHI!*

Ameobi: "I AM THE GREATEST! HAIL SHOLA, HAIL SHO..."

*Ameobi is stopped in mid sentence as GRANT HOLT hits him with a big boot from behind!!! Holt goes up to Zhi and lifts him to his feet, Zhi then recovers his train of thought, goes over to Ameobi and lifts him up for a SHOCKWAVE!*

Holt: "I will always be superior to you Shola. I'm off now, I want food."

*Holt leaves the stage for good, as Zhi grabs his mic and award.*

Zhi: "I would say thanks for this award, but quite frankly I should win all the awards. Holty wait up, I'm hungry too..."

*Zhi leaves the stage with his award and the destruction left on the stage behind him*

The show once again cuts to The Producers who appear in a dark and grey room. The camera is placed on something and they are sat on a plain bench, it becomes clear that this is in fact a holding cell.

PT: So...apparently, it's illegal to commandeer a crane to attempt to trespass on property...

HJ: Who'd have known?

PT: Our mission is becoming increasingly unlikely to succeed, and even with my unrivalled optimism, I am not feeling great about our chances.

HJ: It's over Steve, it's over.

The door of their cell is opened and an officer is stood there.

O: Your bail has been paid, you're free to go...for now.

PT: What? Who had the money to pay for it? More importantly, who cared enough to pay for it?

The officer steps to the side revealing Dave Law, clean-shaven in a new suit. He is grinning, still slightly mad.

DL: Welcome back boys.

The Producers step out of the cell, and all three of them embrace.

HJ: I don't understand, how'd you escape Dave?

DL: That's a story for a different day, for now, let's get you to the Trashies!

PT: It's miles away! How will we get there on time?

DL: In style Prime Time, in style...

All three walk out of the station where there is a Smart car waiting for them.

HJ: It only has two seats Dave.

DL: Don't worry, check the back.

Strapped to the back of the car with duct tape is a child's seat.

PT: Oh...erm...Gerry...Gerry...can I have a word?

Hollywood and Prime Time start having hushed discussions, before suddenly Hollywood jumps up and looks to the sky.

HJ: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!

Dave turns to see what he is talking about and the Producers jump into the car, Dave turns around, looks them confused before pulling out the keys to the car. Hollywood and Prime Time step out, their heads hung in shame.

DL: I can't believe it. You two need to learn a lesson.

The camera which had been left on the stairs of the police station is accidentally knocked over, when Dave puts is back again, Hollywood and Prime Time are sat in the chair, Prime Time underneath Hollywood. They look utterly terrified as Dave Law starts up the Smart car and drives off, the former tag team champions, screaming in terror.

Peter Dickinson on voiceover: ‘Ladies and gentlemen, presenting the award for best feud THE X-FACTOR JUDGES!

(Carmina Burana belts out as Gary, Tulisa, Nicole and Louis make their way out onto the stage, suddenly the music is abruptly cut as RJ stands up)

RJ: Whoa didn’t you lot present an award last year? People aren’t meant to do two years in a row.

Tulisa: ‘Yo shuttit bruv or I’ll set Dappy on u init, he’s from the ghetto yeh, you get me?

Louis: ‘She reminds me of a young Al Capone.’

Gary: ‘We were booked before they realised we’d been here before, and then it was too late to change. The only other person available at such short notice was Dave Lee Travis, and no one wants that.

Louis: He reminds me of a young ...

(The screen cuts to experiencing technical difficulties test card which shows Scorpion trying to fix his chopper (bike))

N (Stunned): Jermazeballs...

RJ: Erm 6WF would like to point out that Mr Walsh’s views do not reflect those of 6WF.

G: ‘Anyway we are here today to present the award for best feud 2012’

T: ‘It should b me versus THE WORLD! Every1’s got an opinion of me init, they is all crazy yeah, I’ve overcome all dis shit to be here today, to the point where Joe McElderry wants to duet with me yeah, you get me?

G: ‘Well I’ve duetted with Marcus Collins, remember him? It’s not a competition luv

T: Don’t be a hater yeah, you is a fat has been yeah

G: Your mums a fat has been

N: ‘Oh not you didn’t!’

T: ‘Anne Contostavlos is a saint, you better watch it yeah, cos my dad could well batter your dad.

G: ‘Please you don’t even know who you dad is.’

T: ‘Yeah well I know who I is yeah, dats the most important thing. Cos I is a role model’

G: ‘We’ve all know who you are, we’ve all seen the video, which by the way was dull ... and poorly lit.’

L: She reminds me of a young Bambi Woods

T: ‘Oh you’ve gone too far Barlow

(At this point Tulisa lunges at Gary, spearing him off the stage, the two brawl in the aisle way leaving Louis and Nicole on stage)

N: You go girl! Jermaul his ass!’

L: ‘They’re both so amazing, I can’t choose!’

N: ‘You don’t have to choose...’

L: They should both be in the final. Please vote for them!’

N: ‘What are you going on about?’

L: ‘I can’t choose Dermot, I’m going to have to send it to deadlock.

N:’Demot’s not here...’

L: ‘They remind me of a young Cheryl Cole and a black toilet attendant.’

(At this point Tulisa gets back on the stage)

T: (Out of breath) Don’t ... mess... with.... me.... yeah, cos I is from the hood yeah, and I is like blud bruvvas with Dappy yeah, he’ll spit on you in a petrol station

N: Euphemism?

T: Nah doubter, he is from the street yeah, he’ll tear that shit up, but I don’t need his help yeah, cos I is the female boss yeah

(Tulisa shows of her tattoo before delivering a picture perfect elbow drop off the stage)

L: She reminds me of a young Curt Hawkins

N: Anyway the winner is.... URYU VS CASSIUS ZHI!!!!!

L: ‘But they’re both so amazing, I can’t choose!’

N: ‘You don’t have to choose, they’ve already won.’

L: ‘I’m putting them both through to boot camp!’


N: (muttering, walking off stage in frustration) jermazing, what a jerunt.

The camera pans out to show Uryu sat in the crowd, seemingly unaware of what has just gone on as he’s stares longingly at his and Clarissa’s holiday photo’s from their romantic break at Acrokool’s head quarters in Essex.

The camera then shows Cassius Zhi, who is sat on a table on his own, he is also apparently unaware that he has just won as he is too busy sticking pins to a voodoo doll of JJ Johnson.

L: ‘He reminds me of a young Gok Wan...’

The show is trying to cut back, the two images alternate between RJ and Michael Wire stood in the ring and Prime Time and Hollywood being taken off of the car by Dave Law. Finally, after some more static, Prime Time and Hollywood's segment wins. Dave Law, Prime Time and Hollywood stand outside of the 6WF arena.

PT: This is it, the moment of truth, the moment we've been waiting for. To get into the 6WF arena is the first step of our mission.

HJ: Wait, didn't we start there, in fact, we started in the ring.

PT: All setbacks, but they've only made us stronger.

DL: Exactly Prime Time, I saved you from that prison, now it is time you get me my job back!

Prime Time is handed the camera by the bystander who was filming them, and he gives a thumbs into the camera before walking up the steps only to be stopped by the security guard.

SG: ID please.

PT: What?

SG: I said; ID please. We're not just letting anybody in, especially not tonight, apparently there have been some lunatics running around backstage.

HJ: Oh come on. We're harmless.

SG: No ID, no entry. And no trainers either!

Prime Time steps back in disappointment, his bright, yellow trainers clearly visible. They huddle up.

HJ: Right Dave, I think it's time you do what you do best.

DL: Commentary?

HJ: No....

DL: Interviews?

PT: No...

DL: Manage two Japanese psychopaths...

HJ: I'm not sure anybody even remembers that Dave.

DL: Oh...

PT: We think it's time you distract this guard, you give us the chance to get in and when we save the Trashies from the evil occupation of RJ and Wire, we'll try and use our new found influence as heroes to get your job back...deal?

DL: Hmmm...deal.

They come back from the huddle and Dave Law takes off his shoe and throws it at the guard and starts to run, the guard takes chase as Prime Time and Hollywood sneak in through the door. Prime Time quickly runs back and picks the camera up.

RJ : Ladies and Gentlemen the next award is for 6WF’s Most Iconic Secondary Character and is to be presented by two shining examples of young talent in their field.

MW : Yes indeed ‘Arj. These guys know what it takes to be successful, in fact one of them already has Europa League, Portuguese League and Portuguese Cup Winners trophies to his name at the mere age of 35… and the other host once won the Championship Playoffs, I think, but he assures us that he is also of excellent managerial calibre and somehow wangled the same fee as his partner.

RJ : Please… put your hands together for Mr. ANDRE-VILLAS-BOAS…. AND BRENDAN RODGERS!

“It’s Me, It’s Me, It’s A.V.B!” is spoken over the soundsystem and then DDP’s music hits. Andre Villas Boas walks out to the ring in a full suit, looking extremely smart, carrying the Trashie award. He climbs into the ring and shakes RJ and Wire’s hands and makes his way to the lectern. “Buck Rogers” by Feeder plays next and Brendan Rodgers casually strolls onto the stage in his training tracksuit. He kneels down on the ramp, runs his hand along the floor, checks his MASSIVE watch, and shouts “IT’S CLOBBERIN’ TIME!” in a weird Northern Irish accent. In the ring, AVB rolls his eyes at Rodgers’ display.

RJ : Brendan Rodgers coming out to Buck Rodgers by Feeder here, because it says on his Wikipedia that his nickname is Buck Rodgers, after the Buck Rogers character with a similar name.

MW : Thanks for that ‘Arj.

Rodgers stops halfway down the ramp and holds his arms out wide, a flashbang of fireworks blast out of the top of the big screen, and a humongous curtain with a portrait of Brendan Rodgers falls down over the tron, similar to when CM Punk unveiled his WWE 13 cover. Brendo turns around to admire the enormity of his portrait and nods his approval before shouting “BEST IN THE WORLD!” He then finally makes his way into the ring.

Brendan : Cut my music!

Rodgers walks up to RJ and stares at him defiantly.

Brendan : What you did there just then was to disrespect me, RJ. You know that?

RJ looks confused

RJ : I’m sorry… how did I disrespect you?

Brendan : You called Andre here, “Mr”, but then you didn’t call me “Mr”, you just called me Brendan Rodgers.

RJ goes to speak but Rodgers cuts him off by raising a finger

Brendan : One thing RJ… just one thing OK? I will not be disrespected, by anyone, OK?

RJ goes to apologise but Brendan cuts him off again by raising a second finger

Brendan : Just two things OK… two things to remember OK? And that is that I will not have my integrity questioned by you or anyone else in this arena OK?

RJ : I can assure you I didn’t question your integrity Mr. Rodgers.

Brendan’s expression softens, and he starts stroking RJ’s face with a smile, and lightly patting his cheek. He stares at RJ with an almost loving expression for an uncomfortable few seconds.

Brendan : You’re a good lad, RJ. A really good lad. I see big things for you OK? Just show a little respect, and don’t talk when I’m talking, and you’ll go far OK?

RJ : OK.

Brendan : OK?

RJ : OK

Brendan pats his cheek again

Brendan : OK.

Rodgers turns to join AVB at the lectern. AVB was passing the time by writing notes in his notepad, which he hurriedly puts away before Rodgers can see, but it was too late. Rodgers eyes AVB suspiciously.

Brendan : What have you got there Boas?

AVB shakes his head and puts his hands in his pockets innocently

AVB : Oh nothing… it’s nothing… shall we do the award?

Brendan : Are you questioning what I can and can’t see now Andre? Are you… … questioning my integrity per chance?

AVB : No… No… not at all. It’s just… you wouldn’t understand. It’s OK…

Brendan : OK?

AVB : OK… let’s get on with the show.

Brendan : Did you just come up with a new revolutionary tactic Andre?

AVB looks sheepish and nervously denies the accusation

Brendan : You did didn’t you? You came up with a revolutionary new tactic didn’t you? And now you’re hiding it from me.

Brendo makes his move and begins to stroke AVB’s bearded cheek.

Brendan : Come on… Let me have a wee look at it. I promise I won’t copy it.

AVB : You promise?

Brendan moves his stroke to the back of AVB’s head, slowly, lovingly, stroking his hair.

Brendan : I promise.

Brendan turns to the camera and gives it a knowing wink as AVB excitedly takes his notepad out

AVB : Well… I think I have developed a tactic, or rather an equation, for the best, most beautiful football in the world. If my calculations are correct, even allowing for a 0.05 sensitivity adjustment on expected performance levels…

AVB starts unfolding what looks like a small piece of note paper, showing Brendan his calculations. He keeps unfolding and unfolding until the piece of paper is almost as big as the mat, and RJ and Wire have to step out of the ring so it can be laid flat.

AVB : … you can see that the standard of football exponentially increases with each and every event, or in this case – game, until you reach point x, here, which I am calling T0. And at T0 your average output should be statistically far greater than that of the sample population, in this case the Barclays Premier League.

Rodgers : And how long does it take to get to T0?

AVB : Approximately 12.7 years… it’s a project.

Rodgers nods in understanding, and he and AVB both get down on their knees so they can survey all the calculations.

Brendan : And this x/v multiplied by 0.73w here… am I right in thinking that that is…

AVB : Taking rubbish players aside and telling them they are brilliant – yes!

Brendan looks seriously impressed at the calculations, then calms himself.

Brendan : It’s very good… very good. But I was already planning to do this anyway. I’d already thought of all this a long time ago. When I was at Chelsea… did you take this from one of my old exercise books when you were there?

AVB : WHAT? NO! YOU….YOU…. YOU LIAR! YOU PROMISED YOU WOULDN’T COPY!

Brendan : I’m not copying, I’d already thought of all this, a long, long time ago. I was just waiting for Lucas Leiva to come back into my squad…. Because he’s my r2x50 here.

AVB : There is no way Lucas Leiva is an r2x50. Sandro is an r2x50, but Lucas? He’s more a j590ct… that doesn’t even fit in this equation.

Brendan goes to stroke AVB’s face again but this time slaps him

Brendan : DON’T QUESTION MY INTEGRITY OK? DON’T QUESTION IT OK? I KNOW HOW TO PLAY BEAUTIFUL FOOTBALL OK. I KNOW WHAT LUCAS LEIVA IS OK? I… AM THE BEST…. IN THE WORLD! OK?

AVB slaps Rodgers back

AVB : NO! I AM THE BEST IN THE WORLD…. AT EVERYTHING I DO!

Rodgers responds with an even harsher slap, repeating that he is the Best in the world, immediately followed by a retort by AVB. This continues for some time, the slaps getting harder and harder until “Beautiful People” by Marilyn Manson blasts out of the arena, and Pep Guardiola runs out to the ring to a massive pop.

RJ : IT’S PEP GUARDIOLA! PEP GUARDIOLA HAS SEEN ENOUGH! BY GOD HE’S ON A GOD DAMN SEBBATICAL!

Pep Guardiola slides into the ring and unleashes a barrage of punches on Rodgers and AVB then plants them both with a double DDT. He takes up AVB’s calculations and starts to frantically tear them up. Pep shouts that he is the best in the world as he sprinkles the shreds of calculations over both his contemporaries. Rodgers and AVB roll out of the ring and Guardiola storms to the top of the ramp and starts pulling down the huge curtain with Brendan Rodgers’ face on.

RJ : GUARDIOLA JUST CLEANED HOUSE! WE NEED SOME GOD-DAMN REPLACEMENTS OUT HERE… WE’VE GOT AN AWARD TO PRESENT.

MW : LOOK ‘ARJ! IT’S TORRES! FERNANDO TORRES!

Fernando Torres confusedly walks out onto the ramp, looking around. A 6WF stagehand runs up behind him and points him in the right direction and Nando runs down the ramp, stumbling half way down and grazing his knee on the steel. He gets back up and limps to the ring and stands in front of the lectern. He picks up the golden envelope and stares at it, confused, saying “Que?” a few times. He starts picking at the corner of the envelope but doesn’t find a way in.

RJ : SOMEBODY NEEDS TO HELP TORRES BEFORE WE GO TO A COMMERCIAL BREAK! WE’RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME!

MW : There’s only one man who can help Torres now ‘Arj. There is only one man in the world who can get Fernando Torres to open that envelope.

RJ : You’re not thinking…. OH PRAISE THE LORD… IT’S BENITEZ, IN THE RIGHT PLACE, AT THE RIGHT TIME!

Rafa Benitez jogs to the ring and joins Fernando Torres at the lectern. He takes Fernando by the hands, and helps him feel his way to the opening of the golden envelope. Torres looks like a wide eyed child as he discovers the secret of opening an envelope.

RJ : TORRES IS GOING TO DO IT! TORRES…. TORRES… OOOOOOOOOOOOOHOHOH!

MW : I think RJ just orgasmed folks.

Fernando Torres : And the winner, of 6WF’s Most Iconic Secondary Character is… MISS JESSICA!

“Gangnam Style” begins to play and Miss Jessica struts to the ring in a tight black minidress, her curled red pigtails flowing down over her shoulders. She walks straight past Pep Guardiola who is still trying to tear down the Rodgers portrait. Rafa Benitez holds the ropes open for Miss Jessica, who gives him a little kiss on the cheek in gratitude. Rafa goes bright red and puts his hand on his heart momentarily. As she steps through the open ropes, Brendan Rodgers who is still lying on the outside of the ring, quickly takes out his phone to catch an upskirt shot, before playing hurt again.

Jessica accepts the award from Fernando Torres and flicks her back before talking into the mic

Miss Jessica : Oh my god… like… Most Iconic Superstar AGAIN? Seriously… this is like, so a-mazing right now. Imagine little old me being crowned, like, the greatest manager there is, in front of all these great football managers. AND this is the third year in a row already… which means, like, this is my hat-trick!

Jessica holds the award up in the air, jumping up and down excitedly, then turns to Torres

Miss Jessica : I mean, Hell-O, like, when was the last time you even got a hat-trick?

Torres looks upset and turns to Benitez for support. Jessica walks up to Torres and playfully puts a finger on his chest, pouting.

Miss Jessica : Though if you come with me, I promise you’ll score three times tonight.... at least.

Jessica bites her lip teasingly, then grabs her Trashie as “Gangnam Style” plays again. She leaves the ring and beckons Fernando Torres with a seductive arch of the finger.

RJ : By god he did it! Rafael Benitez has gotten the best out of Fernando Torres again… is HE the best in the world?

MW : Probably not.

The camera pan to Pep Guardiola tugging at the Brendan Rodgers curtain as we go to a commercial break.

Prime Time and Hollywood are clearly back in the arena, in bad disguises. They've found to janitor outfits and have taped the ends of brushes to their faces as bad impressions of moustaches. They are wheeling mop buckets behind them, as they follow the signs to the ring.

??: Hey it's you guys!

A security guard runs up to them, and Prime Time and Hollywood look at each other nervously, not knowing whether to run or not.

SG: The Chuckle Brothers! I love you guys!

Prime Time and Hollywood are visibly relieved.

SG: Can I get an autograph? What shenanigans are you up to dressed like janitors? Anyway...I saw a spillage over there so....NO SLACKING!

The security guard starts laughing and then Prime Time and Hollywood have a delay before laughing along.

SG: Go on, please say your catchphrase, for me.

The Producers' eyes scream panic, the security guard is getting quite suspicious.

SG: Do it....

HJ: Now.

SG: What that isn't your catch-

Hollywood spears the security guard to the ground as Prime Time quickly turns the mop bucket onto his head. They rip the broom heads off of their faces and start running down the corridor marked "ring entrance".

We return to the ring where Michael Wire and RJ are stood ready for the next award...

RJ: Ladies and Gents, let me introduce the next presenters to the stage. A dynamic due, patrons of the north east and especially flown in from Australia for tonight. The hosts of I'm A Celebrity...

MW: GET ME OUT OF HERE!!

Wire laughs to himself before RJ slaps him across the head...

RJ: Thanks, Mike. It's Ant and Dec!!!!

'Aint No Doubt' by Jimmy Nail plays through the speakers as Ant and Dec walk out on to the stage to a huge cheer. Marshall Murdoch is shown in the crowd bopping his head and smiling to the disgust of Danny McGraw. They wave to the audience before running down the ramp and sliding into the ring, shaking hands with RJ and Wire who looks down at Dec, looking confused...

MW: Are you a midget?

Dec: No pet?

Ant: What's that Dec pet?

Dec: He think's i'm a midget Ant pet?

Ant: No Dec pet.

Dec: I know Ant pet.

Wire looks freaked out, tugging at RJ's jacket collar...

MW: These guys are weird. we should get out of here.....

Wire slips out of sight as RJ follows and Ant and Dec take to the podium.....

Ant: Thanks for having us here. Lovely arena aye Dec pet.

Dec:Aye Ant pet, it's nice like.....anyway, thanks to everyone for coming out tonight, are you enjoying the show....?

A solitary cough is heard in the audience....

Ant: Tough crowd, Dec pet....

Dec: Indeed it is, Ant pet. It's a far cry from the jungle thats for sure....

Ant: Aye, i wonder if they're still upset over The Rock not being on I'm A Celebrity, Dec pet?

Dec: Who's that, Ant pet?

Ant: The Toothy Fairy?

Dec: The real one?

Ant: No man, the fake one?

Dec: Are you saying the Tooth Fairy isn't real, Ant pet?

Ant: Aye, course not man, it's fake like Wrestling, Dec pet?

Dec: Wrestlings fake?

Ant: Oh aye, pet. Bunch of oiled up men, grappling with each other?

Dec: Who on earth would watch that?

RJ steps up from his seat and walks up to the ropes....

RJ: Psst.......you guys know where you are right?

Ant and Dec look at each before turning back to RJ......

'IF YA SMELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL, WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKING'

MW: THE ROCK! THE ROCK IS HERE!!!

The crowd erupt as The Rock walks out on to the stage, he gives the peoples eyebrow before staring down at a visibly shocked Ant and Dec...

RJ: Can you believe it. The Rock, the most electrifying man in sports entertainment is here, at The Trashies.

The Rock strides down the ramp in his 'Just Bring It' t-shirt and jeans, he gets in the ring, posing on the corners for the fans before standing, staring at Ant and Dec.....

The Rock: SWEET CREAM ON AN ICE CREAM SUNDAY! WHO IN THE BLUE HELL ARE YOU?

*Crowd Pop*

Ant and Dec look worried.....

Ant: Well....

The Rock: IT DOESN'T MATTER WHO THE HELL YOU ARE!!!!

The Rock paces round as Ant and Dec look confused....

Dec: Then why did you ask, pet?

The Rock stops, staring at Dec, looking confused....

The Rock: Erm........Thomas Jefferson sucka!!

The Rock again paces the ring, staring at the two men....

Ant:What's he got to do with it, man? He was a founding father, not a wrestler?

The Rock again stops in his tracks....looking frustrated....

The Rock: Do you two jabronies want to go ONE on ONE with THE GREAT ONE!?

Dec: How would that work pet? There's two of us like?

The Rock again looks confused....

The Rock: The Rock will take you down Know Your Role Boulevard which is on the corner of Jabroni Drive and check you directly into the Smackdown Hotel!

Ant: Well now your just making things up?

The Rock: Making things up? You're saying The Rock..... The Great One? The eye brow raising, trailblazing, peoples champ The Rock, is making things up?

Dec: Well yeah?

The Rock raises his eyebrow....

The Rock: Well how would you like it if The Rock slapped the taste right out of your mouth?

Ant: Are you threatening us?

Dec: Easy Ant pet...

Ant: Dec, it's time to show him how we are....

The Rock looks confused as Ant & Dec stand infront of him.....

Ant & Dec: Sit back cracker jack
Don't take no flack
Rhymn in time
To the rhythm of the track
I'm Ant
I'm Declan
A duo
A twosome
So many lyrics
We're frightened to use them
So many lyrics
We'll keep them in stores
We've even got them
Comin' out of our pores
Your Father
Your Mother
Your Sister
Your Brother
Everyone's gotta be an AKA lover
Give us the motivation
We can cause a sensation
Give us the aspiration
We can cause a sensation
Give us girls top speed
Cause the girls stampead
Stylin' smilin' everybody butt-whilin'

Ant & Dec get in the face a shocked Rock....

Ant & Dec: PSYCHE!!!

The crowd cheer as The Rock stands still visibly shaking...

RJ: Uh oh.......what, wait a minute......why is smoke coming from his ears?

The Rock is shaking as smoke comes out of his ears. Ant and Dec smile at each other before bouncing of the ropes and punching The Rock in the stomach. He trembles violently before smoke and sparks fly out of his neck and his head pops up......

RJ: Wait a minute, that's not The Rock. It's a Rock n Sock em robot....

The Rock's head sways as Ant and Dec high 5 as the crowd cheer....

Ant: Now, back to business......the winner of the Trashie for Match of The Year goes to..........

Dec: Hardcore Hell!

The crowd boo as Logan Kincade, Lucas Takeo, Kenji Hidari, Nay Bother and Blue Dragon walk down the ramp, pushing and shoving each other before a huge brawl breaks out between the 5 men....

RJ: Well this one has escalated quickly.

Security pile out and seperate the 5 men...

MW: Time for my moment of glory....

Wire runs from his position, sliding into the ring and snatching the award Ant.....

MW: I'd like to accept this award on behalf of the Hardcore Hell competitors. I'd also like to thank my Mum, my Dad and my great Aunt Sally for always believing in me. I wanna thank the fans for supporting me through everything...

Wire begins choking up....

RJ: Oh god.....

MW: I wanna thank McGraw for giving me this job, and the waitress at the Smokey Blue Waffle cafe, for dropping the charges, the officers for looking after me......oh shoot......

Wire stops in his tracks as the 5 men charge the ring. Wire scampers out of the ring, running through the crowd with the 5 men in pursuit.

Prime Time and Hollywood Johnson are sneaking near the entrance to the ring, the crowd can be heard and then they start walking past dressing rooms. Ryback's door as huge, bite-size pieces missing. Ant and Dec are in the same one. One room has a huge life-size painting of Brendan Rodgers on it. They keep walking before they get to a door marked maintenance. They walk through.

PT: We did it Gerry, this corridor, it goes underneath the arena, this is a route in.

HJ: I wonder how much of the show is left...

PT: There'll be loads.

Meanwhile back in the ring.

RJ: We don't have many awards left.

MW: But it's with great pleasure that we introduce an idol of both me and RJ...Good Ol' JR!

'Boomer Sooner' blasts out and the crowd give a big cheer as Jim Ross slowly walks out, there is BBQ sauce still on his mouth, but the fans don't care. RJ and Michael are clapping in the ring. He walks down, waving his hat around before he gets to the ring and steps up the stairs. He shakes hands with RJ and Michael Wire before stepping up to the podium.

JR: Before I start, I'd like to say that I am handing this award out, being sponsored by SKITTLES, BY GAWD THEY'RE FRUITY! I LOVE THEM SKITTLES!

JR pulls out a bag of skittles, then takes his hat off to reveal a concealed tub of BBQ sauce which he pours into the bag of Skittles and starting to eat them.

JR (with a mouth full of BBQ sauce Skittles): I remember the days of Bill Watts, of Good Ol' Jimmy Crockett, the Deep South, the good days when wrestlers were tough and real and BY GAWD they shocked me every night of the week! They used to whip each other like government mules, it was a slobber knocker every week, BY GAWD I LOVED IT!

JR has a tear in his eye.

JR: But by far the greatest, the best in wrestling and the man who has won this Trashie for...

He reads the outside of the envelope.

JR: Best...Promoer...is my good friend...STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN!

The iconic glass break fills the arena and the crowd are so confused, they don't even cheer. Stone Cold steps out, with both knees wrapped up in plaster. He stumbles down the ring, his neck whirling around his head before he gets into the ring.

SCSA: What?! What?! What?! What sumna bitch brought me out here?! What?!

JR: STONE COLD! STONE COLD! STONE COLD! MY GAWD, HE'S GONE DEAF! NO, HE'S PLAYING THE MIND GAMES, JESUS CHRIST, I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SEE THE DAY THAT STONE COLD WAS IN THIS RING AGAIN! STONE COLD!

Austin breaks the casts of his knees and starts stomping at nothing in the corner.

SCSA: What?! What d'ya say to me?!

The car crash that signals the arrival of Mick Foley interrupts JR, and Mick Foley steps out, wearing a Cactus Jack T-shirt that is too small for him, showing off his large belly. He waddles down the ramp and slides into the ring holding a bag and a sock. He pours the bag of thumb tacks and falls onto the mat, the tacks puncturing him.

JR: MY GAWD, I THINK HE MIGHT BE DEAD! THE CARNAGE! THE STONE COLD! THE MICK FOLEY! GOOD GAWD ALMIGHT, GOOD GAWD ALMIGHT MICK FOLEY HAS BEEN KILLED HERE TONIGHT! WHAT A SLOBBER KNOCKER! DO SOMETHING KING! THAT SICK SON OF A BITCH! STONE COLD SAVE THE DAY! STONE COLD SAVE THE DAY!

Stone Cold turns around and lifts up Foley before kicking him in the gut and Stunnering him, he gets to his knees and starts shouting in his face before clearly the impact of his knees on the mat is too much and he rolls over in pain.

JR: THIS IS TOO MUCH KING! TOO MUCH! GOOD GAWD ALMIGHTY! WHO WILL SAVE US NOW? BOBBY LASHLEY?! RIC FLAIR?!

'Holla Holla' plays out.

JR: IT'S RODNEY MACK! RODNEY MACK! STONE COLD RODNEY MACK! HE'S GOING TO SAVE FOLEY!

Teddy Long swaggers out holding a microphone.

JR: IT'S BOOKER T! CAN YOU DIG THAT?! IT'S BOOKER T!

TL: I think you guys need to sort out your differences in a tag team match, playas!

JR: GOOD GAWD ALMIGHTY, BOOKER T CANNOT COUNT, THERE ARE ONLY FOUR BOOKER T! MY GAWD, ONLY FOUR! I HAVE ONLY FOUR FRUITY, DELICIOUS, SKITTLES LEFT, THEY'RE SO FRUITY, DELICIOUS, FRUITY, FRUITY, BY GAWD THEY'RE FRUITY, BUT THERE ARE ONLY THREE IN THE RING!

TL: I know JR, I know, Holla, that's why tonight, you three will be in a tag team match with the UNDERTAKAAAA! Holla!

Teddy Long leaves the stage as the 'Bong' is heard and the lights go off, when they turn back on again, Undertaker is out of breath on the ramp, holding his knees, his hat has fallen off along with a wig. He shakes his head and the lights go off again, when they're back on again he's only at the steps, they quickly go off again and back on only to see that Undertaker is crawling up the steps.

JR: BY GAWD WHAT A SLOBBER KNOCKER! THE CEREBRAL ASSASSIN, THE SON OF A BITCH, THE RING STEPS, THEY HAVE ENDED THE UNDERTAKER, BURIED ALIVE GOOD GAWD ALMIGHTY!

Undertaker, Mick Foley and Stone Cold are rolling in the ring, in pain as JR just picks up the envelope. #

JR: The winner, BY GAWD I CANNOT BELIEVE IT, AS GOOD IS MY WITNESS....6WF'S BEST PROMOER 2012...IS STONE COLD CASSIUS ZHI! MY GAWD!

'They Say' blasts out and Cassius steps out and walks down the ring, he takes the award and says nothing as the crowd boo him loudly.

CZ: 4 days Johnson.

Cassius leaves the ring as medics rush down to attend to the limelight hugging old men who are struggling in the ring.

The show comes back from commercials with RJ and Michael Wire stood by the podium.

RJ: Well we only have one award left, a prestigious award, an award that can only be described as the ultimate prize in 6WF.

MW: That's right, all year people have been fighting for this award, going out of the way to get votes-

Suddenly a hole is torn in the ring as Prime Time and Hollywood, covered in mud and holding shovels climb into the ring.


PT: No! This has gone on long enough. The Trashies, it's in the name, the Trashies.

RJ: Not getting through to me Prime Time.

HJ: They are a Trash TV thing! You two are not Trash TV!

PT: We are the heart, soul and limited brains behind Trash TV, we are the rightful hosts of these awards!

MW: You know what, forget it, fine. Come on RJ, let them present the award, we've left them with the best one, so let's just let it happen.

Michael Wire chucks the envelope to Prime Time, who doesn't manage to catch it. As Michael Wire and RJ are about to leave the ring, Dave Law comes crashing through the fans and grabs Michael Wire, dragging him out of the ring.

DL: GIVE ME BACK MY JOB YOU SICK, SON OF A BITCH!

RJ tries to pull Dave Law off of Michael.

DL: What? Not you too RJ, how could you betray me? You were my best man! You are the godfather to my children! And you betrayed me like this, for this man, this pathetic, excuse of a man. AAAARRRGGGHHHH!

Dave Law starts punching Michael and then turns around and attacks RJ as well he runs to the commentator's desk and picks up the headset.

DL: I'm Dave Law, returning 6WF commentator, Born in Fire here I come!

MW: NOOOO!

Michael charges at Dave, both crashing through the fan barrier, leaving them both unconcious.

RJ: Dave! Michael!

In the ring, Prime Time and Hollywood are both to open the envelope together. They look at what award it is.

PT: FOR GOD'S SAKE! IT'S BEST CHARACTER OF JAMAICAN DESCENT!

Hollywood throws the envelope down, and they look furious.

PT: It's Rasta alright...I can't believe that's what they left us...the CU-

The show cuts off with the credits thanking all those who helped with the award ceremony.